Take my money: bring me virtual slaughter

I am not playing Pokemon Go.

I am waiting to play Assassin. As soon as a developer brings augmented reality Assassin to market I am ready and willing to throw all my money at them.

dagger copy.jpg — Photo by Brenda Clarke on Flickr, used under a Creative Commons licence

If you’re not familiar with Assassin it’s a real world game, often played in a closed environment like a high school, college, or, surreptitiously, in a large office, in which an organizer assigns you to a team, and you must ‘assassinate’ other teams, or specific players, by hitting them with projectile objects, or physically marking them.

Nerf guns with foam pellets were once popular. In high school we played with plastic replica guns which fired tiny two-inch darts that definitely could have taken someone’s eye out. We’d last approximately .0002 seconds these days before we were a) arrested (best case scenario), b) tazed or c) shot (the US outcome).

In college we played with sharpie markers. This was excellent because it meant you had to get up close and intimate for the kill. Plus, sharpies don’t wash off, so the vanquished could not deny being assassinated. At an Australian conference we once played with stickers marked Poisoned, Stabbed, Shot etc. The organizer forgot to specify that presentation rooms were off limits and the first delegate presented her paper on haptic architecture to two dozen empty chairs, with fifteen adults all standing around the edges of the room, backs to the wall.

A few of the many benefits of playing Assassin:

a) develop the reflexes of a sengi

b) learn to stalk and hunt your prey

c) establish great teamwork and cooperation skills

d) sculpt sleek, powerful adrenal glands

e) gain skills in subterfuge, camouflage, and patience that will stand you in good stead in the event of an alien invasion

sengi copy — A sengi. Photo by Joey Makalintal via Wikimedia Commons

Forget catching tiny animated creatures. I prefer to hunt The Most Dangerous Game.

The same exact same game mechanic that works for Pokemon Go will be perfect for Assassin. Think of it like Grindr, but instead of hooking up, you take them out at sixty yards with a virtual sniper rifle. And I’ll be awesome, because I look utterly harmless, but I have the blood lust of Vigo the Carpathian, a competitive streak the size of the Eurasian steppes, and I’m sneaky as fuck.

I have my money ready. Bring me the virtual slaughter, please.