Sneakers of Humiliation

I am wearing Sneakers of Humiliation. They’re like the Cone of Shame, but for my feet. They tell the world that I did not understand the dangers of walking in flat, unsupportive shoes, and now I have tendonitis.

My key attribute for footwear has always been, “If aliens invaded, right this second, could I run away from the disintegration ray in these shoes?”

The woman at 1:12 is wearing the wrong shoes.

For years I had to wear – well, I felt I had to wear – heels to work. Nothing crazy, just a moderate three inch pump. I walked between campus buildings, I walked up hills (much easier than walking down hills), and I never got tendonitis. When I left I started wearing my ‘Do Not Give Me Shit Because I Do Not Wish To Take Your Shit’ Doc Martens. They made my feet happy. They also gave me the ability to kick a plague-carrying rat to death, should that ever be required. They definitely never gave me tendonitis.

docs purple

I never actually owned these metallic purple ones. I added them to my wishlist but I never bought them, and I still have a grudge against myself for it.

However, since May, I have been wearing light, flat-as-a-pancake loafers and spending my lunch break ambling around the leafy residential neighborhood that surrounds my workpace, and now I can’t walk without saying, “Ow.” Or, more frequently, “Goddamn it all to hell.”

clarus shoes 2.jpg

Look at them! They’re harmless. Flat are safe, right? Flats are on the side of the light! But apparently walking in unstructured flats is a well-known cause of tendonitis. This was unwelcome news to me.

My physio told me that to stop my agony I needed to buy this specific kind of Brooks walking shoe. I obeyed her, and now I hate myself. I’m wearing these to work, you understand. With real clothes. In public. Daily.

brooks shoes.jpg
Sneakers of Humiliation

I know objectively there is nothing wrong with these shoes. I know people choose to wear them of their own accord. But I hate them. They don’t look as bad in the photo as they do on me. On me they look really, really bad. I have a high instep, and a wide foot (thank you so much, younger me, for refusing to wear shoes until you hit high school /sarcasm). I feel like I’m wearing a Spanish Boot.

Spanish boot torture.jpg
Spanish Boot. The bell is for extra-value shaming.

They bring a small sliver of misery to my mornings. I’ve only owned them four days. Why could I not be forced to wear these Brooks running shoes?

brooks clouds and meadows.png

I don’t particularly care for pink, but apparently these were “inspired by the clouds and designed to feel like running in a meadow toward the one you love.” Hear that? Clouds. Meadow. Loved one. A distinct lack of black polyeurethane and ignominy.

I’m going to get better, make a pile of my loafers, and sacrifice them in billowing flames. Then I’m going to wear nothing but boots for the rest of my life. And look! While googling Spanish Boot I found these.

spanish boot.jpg

To wear them I merely require the aliens to invade, and then I join a rag-tag band of resistance fighters and wage an underground war to – sucessfully, natch – take back the planet. Ok, yes, there will be collateral damage, but I will get to wear the boots!

Worth it.

6 thoughts on “Sneakers of Humiliation

  1. Foot injuries, they suck! Where exactly is your pain? Is it worse when you get up in the morning?

    I have suffered through Plantar Fasciitis a couple of times. Orthotics are a must for most shoes, especially flats! I also have a rocker for stretching. The thing that really helped me was wearing a boot to bed, the prolonged flex position enabled healing. Not as shameful as the sneakers as it’s worn in the privacy. Also, ice for when the pain is acute.

    1. It’s the extensor digitorum longus tendons, and the pain is across the front of my right foot, between my 4 smallest toes and my instep. Apparently a lack of stretching my calf muscle also contributed to it. I don’t want to wear a boot to bed *wails*. But yeah, if it would help get me better, I’d do it. Will ask the physio about it next appointment. In the morning it’s swollen and very painful, and I have to walk on my heel for a while, but it’s sore all the time 😦

      1. Ouchie. That sounds almost like the opposite of Plantar Fasciitis, where you have heel pain when you first get up in the morning. In any case, stretching and good orthotics are always a good idea. If it’s swollen, maybe ice and ibuprofen to help with the inflammation. These types of things can linger a while, but they do get better, so hang in there. I’m glad you getting treatment instead of just toughing it out.

  2. Ow ow ow ow. 😦
    Check with your doctor – can you wear Pedag orthotics (And can you get them where you are?) If so, you can wear any shoes that have space for your foot and the orthotics and that keep the orthotics in place. (I never use the “self-adhesive” bit – I like to be able to switch them between shoes, and to move them into new shoes I try on.)
    I’ve gotten away with not wearing them for a while because I’ve been wearing Keens with good arch support. Sadly, Keen has been making fewer of its shoes with good arch support, so I suspect I’ll be back to the orthotics…

      1. You’re very welcome. Once upon a time, I had actual orthotics, made to address my own weird feet. They were horrible hard slippery plastic. I like the leather-covered ones (which have a bit of padding on them, too) MUCH, MUCH better. FWIW.

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