Someone, please, invite me to a Chechen wedding

I found this video, because reasons.

I would definitely finagle myself wedding invitations if the dancing went like this. Those leaping Chechen men look virile as fuck.

I’ve only ever been to two weddings as a guest. One was my cousin’s, and I don’t remember any dancing, only the three endless hours after the ceremony while the happy couple had their photos taken, and we guests, with empty bellies, waited outside the reception venue. The dry reception venue. I’ve literally had more fun at dentist visits (Penthrox, how I love thee).

For the second wedding, I was the plus one. I went with invitee to help him pick out his gift. We headed to the most upmarket department store in the city, and he took forty minutes deliberating over just the perfect, tasteful, elegant crystal champagne flutes. The wedding was at a rowing club beside a scenic volcanic lake.¹ I couldn’t miss the table of wedding gifts under the picture window. There must have been three dozen boxes of perfect, tasteful, elegant crystal champagne flutes. Instantly I became a forever fan of bridal registries.

But then there was dancing, to a DJ who played an exclusively 70s playlist. No, not disco. Punk. Hard-core indie-release b-side punk. Drunk baby boomer advertising executives wrapped their ties around their heads and pogoed aggressively. Shirts came untucked. Ice cubes flew from glasses and became a fall risk. It was brilliant.

By nature I’m more of an Elaine, but after watching that video I wanna go to weddings in distressed acid-wash jeans and jazz shoes and go fucking wild. I want my limbs to be included on the venue’s Health and Safety Hazard Identification Plan. I don’t wanna buy a $500 ball dress and silver glittery heels and do a Mars Attacks Martian Madame impression.

So remember me when you’re drawing up the seating plan, k? I promise not to bring tasteful champagne flutes.

¹ Fun Fact: the lake is reputedly bottomless, and inhabited by an ancient supernatural being. Drownings occur more often that one would expect, especially of the divers who come to practice night dives in it, seeing as how no light penetrates its depths. The wedding guests gazed out at a body of water that holds the unrecovered remains of at least three people. Isn’t that a great thought to hold in your mind while you cut the cake? It did make it my kind of wedding, though.

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